Fighting with Myself

Currently, I am fighting with myself.  I know it sounds a little silly, but I have tons of things I want to get done and my body is sending me the warning signals to start slowing down and soon.  

With Fibromyalgia (and I suspect people with other illnesses run into this as well), I find that if I overdo things my pain levels increase eventually triggering a flare-up that can leave me essentially incapacitated for days, weeks, or even months. 

I am still recovering from the last flare-up that lasted for months, but because the last flare-up lasted for months I’m behind on everything.  And since I’m still able to move I want to finish the housecleaning and getting ready for the yard sale.  Also, my sister needs some help interviewing people to be a caregiver for her.  So in my mind, I want to do all of these things, but my body is saying to slow down. 

Hence the fighting with myself.  Basically, my body is ready to stop, but my mind wants me to keep going.  I want to get all of these tasks on my “To do” list done, but I know I need to slow down and re-prioritize. 

Honestly, it is probably not a big deal if I don’t finish all of the housecleaning immediately, I’ve already done so much of it and the rest of my family can step in and help with it.  The yard sale is going to be in a few weeks, so I can put that off for a bit, and then maybe recruit some assistance for the sorting/pricing process. 

The interviews for my sister to get a caregiver have been going all week, but today I ended up rescheduling some so there will be fewer each day.  Why? Because, it’s not just my body saying to slow down, my sister needs to slow down also.  She has some brain trauma resulting from repeated seizures from her diseases (seizure disorder, diabetes, Addison’s disease, and more).  She has been in a care facility for the last few months as a team of nurses and doctors and therapists try to get her blood sugars and seizures and physical and mental processes under control. 

After no seizures for three weeks, we thought it was time to start interviewing caregivers so we can get her back home.  Unfortunately, she had a fairly large seizure yesterday (in the middle of an interview), that is likely to slow down her ability to come home so soon. To me this is a clear indicator that she is stressed out from the interviewing process, but of course we all still want her to be able to come home so we’re going to finish up the interviewing in smaller doses each day.  My sister has no choice about slowing down; her fantastic medical team will make her slow down and be safe.

I, on the other hand, really want to stop typing this and pick up the dog toys from the living room floor, do a load of dishes, and re-organize my bookshelves.  But I really shouldn’t, if I push too hard right now, I am close to the point where I truly won’t be able to do anything tomorrow.  And I really do need to go visit my sister in the care facility and cancel the upcoming interviews.

This battle I’m having with myself, reminds me of a Native American story I heard years ago in Montana.  Here’s the story:

An old Indian man tells his granddaughter about a fight, an internal fight, raging inside of him. The fight is between two great wolves.

The black huge black wolf with glittering green eyes is evil. The evil one represents: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The great white wolf with blue eyes is good. The good one represents: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

After the grandfather explains the differences between the two wolves battling inside of him, the granddaughter thinks about it for a minute and then asks her grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" 

The old man simply replies, "The one I feed."

Even though, I’m not in an epic battle for good versus evil, I am certainly fighting myself over what I want to do and what I need to do.  But this story is a quick reminder that the winner in my personal battle of the moment is going to be whichever one I choose or feed.  So I’m going to try to do less today, so that hopefully tomorrow will be more productive.  Wish me luck!